I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
