A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
