She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
