He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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