I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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