I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
