Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
