They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
