im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think I sprained my soul last night
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
