I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
