I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
