My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
