I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
