I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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