omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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