I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Come share oat with me in your robe
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
