The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
