Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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