Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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