Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You were trust falling into bushes
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
