Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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