I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
