saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
