My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
