I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Who put my cat in the fridge?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
