Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
