You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
