Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
