my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
