They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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