when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
