worst night to have a conscience
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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