my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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