He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
