Will you blow on my dice?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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