listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
