he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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