A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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