mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Randomize
