so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
