Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
