My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
