Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
