saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I pour the whiskey from now on
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
