His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
