Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
