Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
