his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
