Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
