Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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