Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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